John Flowers

Journalist, producer, comedy writer

2018’s Hottest Budget-Wedding Trend (The New Yorker) May 6, 2018

The Secret White House Tapes (McSweeney's) May 15, 2017

The CDC Has Issued a Quarantine Order For All The Lovey-Dovey Crap You See On Valentine's Day (McSweeney's) Feb. 14, 2017

Sample Questions from the Trump University Final Exam (The New Yorker) March 22, 2016

Finding the Right Neurosurgeon for You (McSweeney's) Dec. 15, 2015

Donald Trump, Through the Ages (McSweeney's) Aug. 13, 2015

The Following Content is Sponsored by Your Parents (McSweeney's) Aug. 27, 2014

World War G (The New Yorker) July 25, 2014

Bar Trivia Night (McSweeney's) Oct. 23, 2013

Wizard or Hipster? (The New Yorker) Aug. 9, 2013

Obi-Wan, Can You Stop Saying "Sand People"? It's Kind of Racist (McSweeney's) July 11, 2013

A Message to Shareholders About Our New $70 Million Purchase of "Elevator Pass" (McSweeney's) May 8, 2013

Election 20,012 B.C.: Where the Candidates Stand On the Issues (McSweeney's) Oct. 22, 2012

Attention Cable and Satellite Subscribers: This Network is Being Dropped Because Your Provider Is Being a Giant Douche (McSweeney's) July 13, 2012

Prospectus for Silicon Valley's Next Hot Tech IPO, Where Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong (McSweeney's) June 6, 2012

Welcome to the Official Kickstarter Page for Greece! (McSweeney's) March 1, 2012

The Consumer Product Safety Commission Has Issued a Voluntary Recall for "Baby Boomers" (McSweeney's) February 9, 2012

Newt Gingrich's Letter to Virginia, Regarding the Existence of Santa Claus and Claims That He Said Otherwise (McSweeney's) Dec. 21, 2011

Are You a Power-Mad Dictator of a Foreign Land? Have You Always Wanted to Express Yourself Through Improv? (McSweeney's) Aug. 8, 2011

The Committee for Public Harrumphing Will Hold an Open Hearing Next Friday (McSweeney's) June 6, 2011

After a Thorough Battery of Tests We Can Now Recommend "The Newspaper" As the Best e-Reader on the Market (McSweeney's) Aug. 11, 2010

China: Up a Wall, Without a Paddle (Pology Magazine) November 2008

There's Bling in Them Thar Scandals (RVA Magazine) August 2008

Irony, Thy Color is Green (RVA Magazine) July 2008

Too Much of the Ol' Bubbly (RVA Magazine) June 2008

My First Hundred Days by Hillary Clinton (originally published by Flak Magazine) April 24, 2008

Grey Old Lady Rugby (originally published by The Subway Chronicles) December 2007

How We Know George W. Bush to be a Hipster (originally published by Flak Magazine) Oct. 29, 2007

List: Considered but Discarded Names for the Indie Band Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin (McSweeney's) Feb. 2, 2007